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Morbo says: HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM SON OF DOUBLE FEATURE! GOOD NIGHT!

A Five Year Old Me Picks His Top Five Movies

This handsome young 5-year-old lad is named Derek, I have picked him out from the far-flung past of 1990.

“Wow, I have cool glasses in the future! Is it the Jetson’s yet?”

Give it a few years, 5-year-old Derek.

“Do I have a pet robot?”

No, but we all have phones in our pockets.

“Radical, dude!”

So, I have brought you here to talk about your five favorite movies of all time. Are you okay with that?

“Will you help me spell stuff?”

Of course.

The Top Five Movies of All Time
By Derek Domike (Age 5)

5. The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh (Lounsbery and Reitherman, 1977)


“Pooh is a silly old bear. I love this part where Rabbit is redecorating his hole and he…” laughing “…he puts sticks on Pooh’s butt like antlers! And he draws a face on it and everything! How silly is that?!”



4. Batman (Hefti, 1966)



“Batman doesn’t let the bad guys get away with anything. He helps out people in trouble even though he doesn’t have superpowers or anything. And he’s friends with Robin. In this one Batman and Robin have to fight The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler, and Catwoman. In one part Catwoman disguises herself as a reporter and Batman can’t tell its her. And there’s this submarine shaped like a penguin. And the Batcopter, and the Batboat, and the Bat-Motorcycle. It’s pretty much the best movie ever, except for the other movies here.”

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Barron, 1990)


“Donatello’s my favorite. He does machines. Also, he likes pizza.”

2. Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Dante, 1990)



“I like the one who talks funny. He says ‘Ah the apple, the city so nice they named it twice. Check it out von time von’t you.’ And there’s all kinds of monster gremlins, like one made out of vegetables (scary,) and one that are bats or spiders or made of electricity. They’re scary, but Gizmo’s nice.”

1. The Adventures of Milo and Otis (Hata, 1986)



“I have watched this movie over 100 times I bet. My favorite part is when they’re on the farm and having a good time. It gets kind of scary after that, though. This might not be for little little kids, like my brothers.”



“They don’t like it very much.”

“Is that good, old Derek?”

I’m not that old.

“Yes you are.”

Okay, maybe I am.

Top 11 11 Word Movie Reviews

I write the 11 Word Movie Reviews blog; speaks for itself.

With 100 posts written daily since I first started, I wanted to cap off this event with my 11 favorite reviews I’ve done so far. A lot of them are historic firsts, at least in terms of that blog.

11. September 1st, 2008
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (Kidron, 1995)

This one speaks for itself. I don’t know why I decided to use this cult drag movie as my first review, other than the self-contained fact of John Leguizamo’s ability to work it. I immediately followed with reviews of Gremlins 2 (one of my favorite movies) and Disturbia (closer to the “least favorite” end of the spectrum.)

10. September 14th, 2008
Norbit (Robbins, 2007)

I saw Norbit for a dollar and still wanted my money back. This is my first “Alternate” review.

9.September 5th and September 6th, 2008
Flintstones (Levant,1994) and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas! (Levant, 2000)

My first multi-part review, referencing a previous review.

8.October 7th, 2008
Batman (Burton, 1988)

Arguably the review I’ve had the hardest time with getting in 11 words, but I am very pleased with the results.

7.October 28th, 2008
Air Force One (Petersen 1997)

My first link to a youtube video in a post. And it’s true. He wants you off his plane.

6.November 16th, 2008
The Pacifier (Shankman, 2005)

If only for the Suburban Commando reference.

5.October 13th, 2008

Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace (Lucas, 1999)

My first link to a Son of Double Feature article, my Bizarro-review of Episode I.

4. November 15th, 2008
Willow (Howard, 1988)

Mixes both alternative reviews, a variation of Morbo, and also, an awesome movie.

3.October 5th, 2008
Austin Powers in Goldmember (Roach 2002)

Take that, John Travolta.

2.September 27th, 2008
Juno (Reitman, 2007)

My feelings for Juno are well documented. But also the first appearance of my favorite reoccurring device: the frame of Morbo of Futurama, yelling whatever I can’t. Thanks Morbo, for screaming when I can’t.

1.December 8th, 2008
Planet of the Apes (Schafnerr, 1968)

My 100th post in the blog, and, actually, my favorite. Are the best yet to come, or have I jumped the proverbial shark?


YOU ARE DOING FINE, DEREK!

Thank you Morbo.


I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Morbo means he loves you.

I love you too, Morbo.

Happy Thanksgiving from Son of Double Feature!

Son of Double Feature’s No on Prop 8! Homoerot-athon

I apologize to those California readers who might have seen ads on this blog (and its sister blog 11 Word Movie Reviews) advocating a Yes vote on Proposition 8. For those unaware, Proposition 8 is a measure here advocating the elimination of gay couples’ right to marry in California.

I don’t typically want to make this blog a soapbox for my political ideals, but I’ll make an exception here. I’m requesting the ads be removed. This is not just because I support gay marriage (in the context of a civil union, primarily, I don’t think it’s the state’s obligation to tell churches what they can and can’t do, but that’s hardly the point,) but because I believe this proposition is extremely discriminatory. Even if it does pass, however, I fully expect the State Supreme Court to overturn it. These same people want to defend their personal rights (like gun ownership,) while trampling on the rights of others (like abortion and gay marriage.)

Furthermore, to pretty much mock and defy the Yes on Prop 8 ads, and in solidarity of those LGBT folks out there to show I do not personally support this anti-gay marriage position (which is what Prop 8 boils down to,) I have here a list of four of my favorite gay and lesbian (or, at the very least, same sex) kisses.

4. Gandhi and Abe Lincoln
Clone High USA, Episode 3, “A.D.D.: The Third D stands for ‘Disorder.’”


Clone High USA was one of my favorite shows on MTV for its brief tenure in 2003, before being cancelled for Punk’d. The premise follows a Dawson’s Creek-esque high school populated by the clones of famous historical figures (the core cast was Abe Lincoln, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Cleopatra, and JFK.) In this episode, Gandhi has been diagnosed with A.D.D., which the student body assumes is AIDS, and thus, shun Gandhi, fearing him to be contagious. After a message from special guest and ADD sufferer Tom Green (“Look a Ferris Wheel! I can make a muscle! Plastic bag, plastic bag! Plastic bag, plastic bag!”) Abe shows Gandhi is not contagious by kissing him. Which, of course, this being high school, makes him shunned more than Gandhi for his homoerotic gesture.

3. Naomi Watts and Laura Harring
Mullholland Dr (Lynch, 2001)



I don’t get much out of David Lynch movies, other than wondering what exactly I was supposed to get out of them. But, what I primarily remember from this movie (other than the bizarre cowboy interlude near the end) was this scene. This is probably because I’m a heterosexual male (I’m apologizing in advance for my #1 choice, as well.)

2. Gabriel Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna
Y Tu Mama Tambien (Cuarón, 2001)


Which is Spanish for “and your mother, also.”

Alfonso Cuarón is one of the great new Spanish-language filmmakers (although I wracked my brain to try to find some same-sex pairings in a Guillermo Del Toro picture.) This movie has some really intense love scenes in it, but, it’s the film’s climatic same-sex kiss that made its way on to the countdown.

1. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair
Cruel Intentions (1997)



I apologize for being a male. If you ask any guy who came of age (especially who hit puberty right around this time) they will not only have fond memories of this scene but, likely, wore out the tape or scratched the DVD with repeated rewatchings (I did not own it on tape or DVD, but I have friends who definitely did.) It’s relatively tame by our contemporary semi-acceptance of female bisexuality (what with Ant-headed Tila Tequila’s “A Shot at Love” dating show on MTV, and future one-hit wonder Katie Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.” Not to mention the seeming ancient history of Madonna and Britney Spears locking lips at the MTV Video music awards.) And, although lesbian kissing not exactly being a new thing, this was the scene that many people my age will likely remember.

In short, I doubt any google ads will sway you, and I also doubt I’ve done little to help either. But, for those of you in California who want to preserve the right for everyone to get married, vote NO on Prop 8!

Sorry for that, this blog is more about movies less about ideology; I swear this will (hopefully) never happen again.

Extra Lives: Five Video Games That Should Never Be Movies

Most of these games are awesome, but none of them would make good movies. In no particular order:

The “Sonic the Hedgehog” series

Sonic the Hedgehog is a game that went from exciting 2D platforming to awkward 3D adventure games faster than you can say Sonic Adventures. This is not the primary reason why the Sonic games would make a bad movie property.

My primary concern is that it would be animated (likely CGI), and if any of the recent Sonic cartoons are any indication, Sega has no interest in really putting out a consistent quality product.

In fact, the only good Sonic cartoon was the Saturday Morning animated series that ran on ABC in the early 90s.



He is the fasting thing alive, and has a rocking Early 90’s intro song, but probably not going to get a movie anytime soon.

The “Legend of Zelda” series

I am a huge Legend of Zelda fanboy, and I’d love to see a good movie made about the series. But I don’t think it’s possible. Link is a character who doesn’t speak and acts as an audience-surrogate in the game. Making him talk would raise the question as to what Link’s character is. Which, if the 1980s is to be believed, recalls the catchphrase “Excuse me, Princess.”



In fact, any time Link has opened his mouth has led to bad times all around.



But, leaving Link mute would probably make the movie extremely difficult, if not impossible, to properly execute. This, on top of the what would likely be a live-action budget in the $50 million area, this has the potential for disaster written all over it.

Chrono Trigger



Again, we have a mute protagonist. Discounting that, although the game is one of the best RPGs (possibly ever) and has some real depth of character and designs it would be long. I’ve seriously spent many many hours playing through Chrono Trigger, with New Game + and seeing all the endings it could take probably upwards of 40. I’d be concerned with what would have to be cut to preserve the epic story, with all its labyrinthine twists and turns.

And also, Magus would get a huge fanboy boost and probably be in way too much of the movie than he realistically deserves.

No offense to the Magus fanboys, but if there’s somebody who should get limited screentime in a Chrono Trigger movie, it would be this pale son-of-a-gun over here.


Mass Effect



Mass Effect was one of my favorite games of recent memory. But it would make an awful movie, because part of the fun is investing in the Commander Shepherd you create (be s/he a badass spacer with a haunted past or a noble war hero,) and, as anyone who watched me play through the game knows, it’s really boring to watch somebody else’s vision of this character go through without any of that investment.



The Sims


The Sims is fun to play, but, unless done right, it would be just be…people. Doing stuff. And maybe some aliens, zombies, vampires, werewolfs, robots, sasquatches, and witches (thank you expansion packs.) But even with that stuff, it can be a tad dreary unless you are micromanaging your own Sims.

But that doesn’t mean Sims machinima aren’t occasionally awesome:



So, these games are very fun, in general, but they should perhaps avoid making the jump to the big screen anytime soon.

Extra Lives: Five Video Games That Should Be Movies

I’ve said what was good and what was bad, but what do I think should be used from this rich medium? Here are my five choices below.

5. Bioshock



Bioshock would be the easiest transition because it is already so cinematic. This First-Person Shooter sets you down in the corrupted underwater utopia of Rapture, the dream of Rayndian Objectivist Andrew Ryan. A dream that has become a nightmare. It is a creepy, creepy, game, and I think it would translate great as a kind of unique horror film.

4. Battletoads




Battletoads is probably one of the hardest beat ‘em up games ever. It also has anthropomorphic frogs (Rash, Zitz, and Pimple) who fight the evil Dark Queen. I think this would make a good movie because: 1) I honestly just want to see a movie with asskicking CGI frogs, and 2) you’ll get at least some cache by linking it to a rather hilarious internet meme.



3. Earthworm Jim




The first of the two extremely more overtly comedic examples, Earthworm Jim could be a great CGI action-comedy: he’s already PG-friendly, he’s got a lot of great characters and ideas to work with (like Evil the Cat and Planet Heck, or Professor Monkey-for-a-Head, or so on.) Earthworm Jim also had an awesome Pythonesque cartoon show in the mid-90s.



2. Sam and Max




If you have an afternoon free, go and watch all the episodes of the painfully briefly lived Sam and Max Freelance Police series, or play the games, and give me a legitimate reason why this hasn’t already gotten picked up by some animation studio or another.

1. Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?


The first to put the Miss in Misdemeanor, before Missy Elliot, was Carmen Sandiego. Besides putting the Seoul in South Korea and making Leningrad cry uncle, Carmen Sandiego would make a great movie primarily because it has aspects of a spy-thriller, espionage, and mystery genres. Again, if done correctly, I think the Carmen Sandiego character would be a more-than-adequate character to base a film (and maybe a franchise) on.



‘Nuff said.

Next up, Five Video Games That Should Never Be Movies. Tune in!